The Mother of Tests

موضوع: The Mother of Tests السبت يونيو 01, 2013 10:35 am

Balancing Islam with Difficult Parents

We’ve all been there. That situation where our
parents are displeased with us for choosing to study a subject other
than Medicine or Engineering at university. Or, opposing our choice of
partner who is deemed to be ‘unsuitable’ because they’re from a
different culture or caste.
We seem to get through these situations
one way or another. But how do we deal with practicing Islam whilst our
family and friends refuse to understand our newfound ways? Exchanging
friends is much easier than changing our families. So how should one
tackle such a sensitive and potentially volatile state of affairs?
Allah (swt) tells us in the Qurán:
‘Worship Allâh and join none with Him (in worship), and do good to parents…’
(Surah An-Nisa; v. 36)
Therefore,
we are supposed to worship Allah and be good and dutiful to our
parents. It’s pretty clear-cut and straightforward, right? Wrong. It’s
actually not as straightforward as we would like it to be. There is a
profound emphasis on obeying one’s parents within Islam, however first
and foremost, we are all in pursuit of Allah’s Pleasure. This can only
be obtained by following His Commands and following the example of His
Messenger, Prophet Muhammad (saw):
‘Say (O Muhammad (saw) to mankind): “If you (really) love Allâh then follow me, Allâh will love you and forgive you your sins…’
(Surah Ál-Imran; v.31)
So
when a brother or a sister is in a situation where they are being asked
to take off their hijab or shave off their beard, what should they do?
Should they disobey their parents and go against their demands, or
should they disobey Allah and comply with their parents’ desires?
Although
obeying Allah’s command is our ultimate priority in this life; when
confronted with such a situation, I have heard about many brothers and
sisters reacting very harshly to their parents, to the extent of
breaking ties with them. Instead of explaining to their parents that
they can’t go against Allah and His Messenger, they hurt them by lashing
out at them, which usually culminates in a huge argument. This totally
goes against the attitude that Islam teaches us with regard to treating
our neighbours, let alone our parents. Of course, we would all love to
have parents who support us throughout the thick and thin of our Islamic
improvement. But have we ever stopped to think that their antagonism
towards their ‘reborn’ Muslim child might be partly attributable to the
child’s conduct with them?
I recently attended a seminar based on the
Islamic ideals of a family, part of which dealt with children’s duties
towards their parents. SubhanAllah, it is amazing how much is due to our
parents, even if they’re non-Muslim, and yet, we still don’t treat them
the way they deserve to be treated.
‘Abdullah Ibn ‘Umar saw a Yemeni man performing Tawâf while carrying his mother on his bac The Mother of Tests Dfdfd

k.
This man said to Abdullah Ibn ‘Umar, “I am like a tame camel for her! I
have carried her more than she carried me. Do you think I have paid her
back, O Ibn ‘Umar?” Abdullah Ibn ‘Umar replied, “No, not even one
labour pain when she was giving birth to you!” ‘
(Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad and authenticated by Al-Albaani)
I
guess the million-dollar question is: how do we find the balance
between being dutiful to our parents without losing our patience with
their antagonism, and being true worshippers of Allah?
All it requires is love and patience. Many of us take our parents for granted, expecting them
to understand our slant on the deen. Some of them have grown up knowing
Islam through their parents and relatives, or doing things because
‘imaam-sahib said so’. If they’re not Muslim, then they might not know
anything about Islam or, due to politics and misconceptions in the
media, even hate it. We need to learn how to deal with this in the most
sensitive manner possible because, in the zeal of our youth, it is very
easy to lose our cool when talking to our parents about something of
which we feel so ardently.
When people hate or dislike something we
do, it’s mainly because they don’t understand why we’re doing it. To
make the situation worse, if we react badly to our parents’ disapproval
of our practice
of Islam, it only makes them think badly of the way we are following
Islam or our similarly ‘Islamic’ friends. To avoid such a situation even
arising, I believe we should begin by explaining our basis for changing
our ways in a loving manner.
Some people are insensitive to their
parents’ personalities, especially when it comes to what is important to
them. I know of someone whose father really loves music, which has been
a cause of conflict between parent and child for several years
resulting in heated arguments and the child being disrespectful to their
father. What this person initially started off doing for the sake of
Allah actually ended up displeasing Allah due to not being able to practice the basic Islamic etiquettes with their own parents.
A tried and tested way to get your point across is a five-step plan:
1. Think about the issue that is most important to you.
For
example, if you are worried about having to attend a mixed gathering
full of free-mixing and the fact that your parents don’t pray salah
regularly, then filter through what is most important to you first. In
this case, salah is far more important, so it is necessary to talk about
that first. Pick your battles carefully.
2. Knowing what your parents are receptive to.
If
your mother loves receiving flowers, then do that for her before you
speak to her. Tell her how much you love her and that you want the best
for her in the dunya and the akhirah. And then go on to tell her about
the importance of salah, its benefits and what it means not to pray.
‘Mum, I really love you and I want you to atta The Mother of Tests Image008

in
the highest ranks of Jannah, and I feel that following Allah’s Commands
are the only way for us to do that. I truly want you and Dad to
experience eternal happiness.’
The above is an example, but what I am
trying to highlight is the importance of observing your parents’ needs
before you approach them with something so sensitive. They’ll appreciate
you for paying attention to their little likes and dislikes.
3. Keep your cool.
In
such situations, parents might get annoyed at the fact that their
child, whom they have brought up and whom they have taught everything he
or she knows, is telling them how to live their lives. They will get
upset or argue with you, but at such times, the best thing to do is just
step back and keep
quiet. Don’t say anything until they’ve calmed down a little. Most
importantly, don’t lose your temper. Not only will it undo everything
you have done so far, you will also accrue sin for being rude to your
parents.
4. Maintain good adab.
Good
manners are observed by everyone, especially your parents. Being
helpful, polite and tending to their needs around the home may help them
realise
that they have been blessed with a righteous child. Sometimes we are so
engrossed in our own lives that we end up ignoring our parents. If you
don’t live with your parents for whatever reason, try to visit them more
often than once a month or send them gifts (like that non-stick
saucepan set your mother always wanted). Islam teaches us to be
well-mannered; it’s inherent within the deen. In fact, I feel that the
more devout a Muslim becomes, the better his manners should be towards
his family. Lead by example.
5. Lastly, don’t lose hope. The Mother of Tests Asda

Guidance
is only within Allah’s Power, not our own. You can keep repeating steps
1-4, but at the end of the day, only Allah will give your parents
and family hidayah. Make sincere du’a for them, be good to them and
keep trying. Be an example to everyone around you and keep your
intentions pure. Perseverance is key. The Prophet (saw) never gave up on his uncle, Abu Talib, not even till the day he died. Even when
it seemed like he might just accept Islam on his deathbed, Abu Jahl
reminded him of the loyalty towards his forefathers’ religion. Despite
that, the Prophet (saw) continued asking Allah (swt) for forgiveness for his uncle, until he received the revelation that asking forgiveness for the mushrikun is not permissible.
‘It
is not (proper) for the Prophet and those who believe to ask Allâh’s
Forgiveness for the Mushrikûn (polytheists, idolaters, pagans,
disbelievers in the Oneness of Allâh) even though they be of kin, after it has become clear to them that they are the dwellers of the Fire (because they died in a state of disbelief).’ (Surah at-Tawbah; v.113)
However, when asking Allah for guidance, do not underestimate the power of du’a. Don’t give up.

We
will all experience this at some point in our lives, but we should view
these obstacles as tests. Allah (swt) never burdens His slaves with
more than they can bear and ultimately, we should use such tests as a
way of coming closer to Him.
I leave you with a thought-provoking story.
There
was once a father and son. When the father reached old age, the son
began thinking about the inheritance money that would be due to him upon
his father’s death. His greed eventually overcame him and he became
impatient, as it seemed his father’s demise would not be imminent. He
therefore devised a plan to murder his father, and on a quiet night,
approached his father’s bedside as he slept. He tied his father up and
carried him to a nearby bridge. As he was about to throw him off the
bridge, his father stopped him and calmly said to him, “Son, before you
throw me off, just walk a couple of yards to your right for that is
where I threw my own father from this very bridge.”
Ultimately, what we do to our parents will be done to us by our children.
May Allah (swt) guide us all. Ameen.

Contributed by Sister. Wafa Hafiz

» My Mother, My Best Friend